It's indeed a long story to talk about how dad suffered in the hospital. He passed on peacefully on 25 Jan 2010, a few days before his 58th birthday (which was supposed to fall on 29 Jan 2010). He is now about to go to Buddha world to help others :)
A long article to read, but this is the last memories of dad...
Dad was admitted in the hospital since 6 Jan due to diarrhea and being placed at Level 5, HKL. After 1-2 days, he stopped diarrhea and was weak but looked ok.
One Sunday evening (10 Jan 2010), my sister and I went to visit him at 6pm++, I saw nurses were about to transfer him to Level 3, a ward for ‘stable patients’. So, we happily followed the nurses and pushed him to Level 3. In the lift, he told us, “In fact, I felt that today is worse than few days back”. Then I asked the nurse, why they transfer him to Level 3. According to them, he was getting better so he can be placed at Level 3.
Apparently, the ward at Level 3 is slightly better, in terms of environment and slightly spacious. Level 5 was 4 bed in a row, Level 3 is 3 bed in a row, you can see some space in between the bed.
Immediately when we arrived at Level 3, he said that he wanted to go to toilet, so I accompanied him to the toilet. After that, he sat down and felt tired and have slight difficulty in breathing, we thought it was normal because his heart is weak all this while, so we assumed that he was tired after the toilet break.
But it seemed that, it wasn’t right. Nurse gave him an oxygen mask to help him breathing and slightly cooled down. Sister and I left the hospital around 10pm and before we reached home (around Jalan Loke Yew area) my uncle called us and said that hospital called him, saying that dad was quite critical. So we quickly returned to the hospital, dad was having difficulty in breathing. The nurses had changed up to 4 types of oxygen masks to support his breathing.
There was a doctor came by and she said that IF he is not breathing well, they will insert tubes to his body to help him breathing (last resort). But he was breathing and awake. At last, he was being sent to ICU, and being monitored. When he was being admitted to ICU, we had to wait outside for an hour before they allow us to go in to dad's bed. We reached home at 2.45am.
The next day (11 Jan 2010), dad looked perfectly alright, he talked non-stop and praising the service at HKL, and thanked the doctor for saving him. He even talked a lot to my aunties and uncles who visited him. The next day, he was being transferred back to normal ward.
Dad told us that doctor will discharge him on 18 Jan 2010.
When we visited him on Sunday (17 Jan 2010), he was wearing his own shirt and without the oxygen mask already. So we were happy to see him looked better, and thought that when he gets better, he will go for the ‘balloon’ operation, to widen his blood vessel (to avoid the heart attack, etc).
17 Jan 2010 (midnight) - I was trying to sleep at 11.30pm++ on Sunday and couldn’t sleep, and I saw the clock ticked at 12midnight, then 1am. I had time to apply lotion and just couldn't close my eyes. Out of a sudden, my phone rang. I was about to scold the caller for calling at such hours, but my uncle called. He asked if I get any call from hospital, I didn’t get any call. He said, dad was in emergency again. So I quickly burn some incense to pray and left home to hospital at 1am++.
When I reached there, dad was already unconscious, and they pushed him down for CT scan (to see if there is any internal bleeding which can lead to stroke). I was crying outside the scanning room, just can't understand why dad was unconscious out of a sudden. There was a huge plastic being pushed into his mouth to support his breathing, that looked sickening, and dad was motionless when I called him. Then, the doctor on duty told us that the scan results did not show any sign of stroke yet. They need some time to determine and find out what went wrong with dad.
After the CT scan, dad was being sent back to the ward (at Level 5) and waited for instructions whether to admit dad to CCU or ICU. After about an hour, dad was being admitted to the ICU.
At that point of time, his mouth was inserted with breathing aid, huge tube and chest with wires for monitoring. Then the nurse inserted a ‘1-metre’ (I think), so long, the tube through his left nostril to link to this stomach, to feed him with liquid as food.
When the nurse was inserting the tube thru his nostril, dad was struggling in pain, I saw it with my own eyes and I felt terribly sad, no one can understand the pain!
His hands and legs were responding but his eyes refused to open.
Dad was then being admitted to ICU at 3.40am, and we waited out the ICU until about 7.00am. I went in to see him, he was unconscious and both his hands were with tubes for medications, drips etc.
No one can feel how he feels, no one will know how he is doing emotionally. How can a person who just talked to us and then went into coma, without saying a single word.
Up to Wednesday (20 Jan 2010), we visited him, only his right hand and right legs were moving every now and then. His right hand and right leg moved especially when the machine was moving to start to feed the liquid thru his nostril. Maybe he felt food input (I just assumed).
I know tears will not help, so I try not to cry. We were calm and I always pray for his recovery, whenever I pray, I asked God to give us a miracle, "Papa, please wake up".
My uncle called me on 20 Jan 2010, said that doctor wanted to meet our family to discuss about dad's condition on Thursday (21 Jan 2010) at 1pm.
Our family members met with doctor on 21 Jan 2010, doctor explained, talked and I cried…
They did another CT scan on 20 Jan 2010, and it showed that dad's right brain was no longer functioning, therefore, the left side of his body does not move. The CT scan also showed that his left brain was also affected badly. That afternoon, dad's right hand and right leg were still moving a little. If he was in pain, or if he hears us, he could only moved his right hand and right leg a little to show response.
This is the most heart-sickening event in my life. How can my dad's get stroke, and damaged his brain in such a quick moment.
Doctor added that his kidney had started to fail, and he would not have quality of life, as he was breathing through a respirator. Doctor advised us not to prolong his life, as he would suffer more complications, and he couldn't speak or re-act if he was in pain.
I cried, that meeting with the doctor and what she said was too difficult for me to digest. That means that dad would not be opening his eyes and look at us, that means that he would not be talking to us anymore!
Last Sunday (on 17 Jan 2010), I still remember when we visited him in the evening, he was sitting up and resting. Then he laid down, and asked about my children. I told him, my kids are lovely and gave him some examples of their funny act and he smiled a little and said, “Ya, these days children are brilliant and smart comparing to our old days”.
He was waiting for my Tai-Ku-Jeh to buy him porridge, but he said, it had been late, he ate the hospital dinner first while waiting. Thank you aunty, dad liked the porridge you brought for him, “Nice” he said.
I still remember my aunty/uncle brought him the Brands Essense of Chicken, that he had to hide in the cabinet, as he was afraid that nurse stopped him from drinking, thanks Yee-Ku-Jeh, B-Sok… I appreciate your consistence visit to the hospital…
Doctor was suggesting for ‘balloon’ operation for him, and dad spoke to my uncle on this, and of course, my uncle quickly agreed, however, not that was not do-able anymore. Thank you Uncle Fabian, your help is always appreciated.
Uncle Voon and Master Danny always helped in so many others ways, praying for dad’s recovery, sincere thank Uncle Voon, thanks Master Danny for your hard-work.
2-pak-liong, Wendy, Mini-boy – I can totally understand how it feels to lost someone who are so close to us, let’s be strong and move on… thanks for be there for us…
Uncle Eddie and 4-pak-liong – thanks for always be there for us… your prayers were so meaningful to us...
I get to know from Dai-Ku-Jeh that Sai-Ku-Jeh will fly home to see dad, thanks, that’s so meaningful. Fly back now, dad will still be able to hold your hand…
Grandpa & 8-sok – Grandpa, I love you more than anyone else, I pray for your good health and I thank you for being such a wonderful grandpa all this while. 8-sok, I thank you for being there with dad and grandpa all this while, I’m sure dad will miss you both the most.
My cousin sisters and brothers – despite your busy working schedule, you all make time to visit dad and check on Facebook on his well-being, really thank you for your concern.
My sister, Lli Lli – dad knows, we are here for him and will be by his side, thank you for always be with me and we managed to go through this together
My dear colleagues, friends and FB buddies – I’m so touched that I get encouragements from sms, phone calls and all… with your support.
It was my dad 58th birthday on 29 January 2010. When dad was in coma few days back, I told him, “Wake up dad, my boys will sing you birthday song”. I know he can hear me, he moved his lips a little.
In fact, during the meeting with doctor, she wanted us to make a quick decision, whereby they will pull out the respirator and let him breath by his own and passed on the next day (22 Jan 2010). We requested for a few more days, as we wanted to do more prayers, chanting to help dad to pass on easily and have more karma so he won't suffer in the other world or afterlife.
Doctor was asking why we need so many days, as she can see dad was not doing well at all. Of course, we can't tell doctor that we wanted to pray for miracle, we just said, we wanted to explore of other possibilities.
When we were in the hospital before dad was in coma, dad said, if it’s too troublesome for us to visit him daily, we can skip sometimes. He was so understanding. But we continue to visit him. In fact, we don’t really visit him before he was admitted. We only see him on CNY, Fathers’ day, or at one or two family gatherings.
He told aunties that we are good daughters, but are we? We rarely visit him and we don’t really call him to send regards. And imagine the most visits were in the hospitals. I just feel too terrible to think of this.
I was very depressed, although I was still smiling and talk like usual, but whenever I think of dad, I felt terribly sad. How can someone who has been talking to me all this while, collapsed and not waking up? I didn’t know what’s his preference for his funeral. I didn’t know which one was his favourite clothes. I didn’t know what was his favourite food.
I always advise people to appreciate the people around them, but I didn’t do my part as a daughter. We care about him, but just lack of attention.
Now, this real story has really make me a better person, not only appreciate the people around us, we also have to spend more time with our old folks. As working people, we always say, “Time not enough, go toilet also no time, etc”. But we have time for other things that we enjoy doing. I will try not to give excuses when it comes to spending time with family members anymore.
I am thankful that all my uncle, aunties, cousins, Master Danny and relatives are really supportive. I believe that all of us were hoping for miracle, I also believe that dad knows we are praying for him. He doesn’t respond well to us, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know what is happening to us, emotionally.
“Dad, thanks for always being understanding and never complaint about us. We wanted you to rest in peace and we didn’t want to see you suffer, or in pain. May you enjoy a better environment in the other world, and continue to bless us in whatever way you can, bless us all with great health and happiness.
Thank you for singing with me when I was a kid, I still remember, we had an old wooden radio that attached with a microphone, and we used to talk and sing with it. I will not forget how wonderful it was … although it was too long ago, and too difficult to recall what songs we sang before. Was is ‘Twinkle Little Star’? Was it “London Bridge”? Was it “Do-re-mi?” I can’t remember, but I do remember one thing, you’ll be in our memories, forever.
If you happen to re-birth, remember to ask for ‘dimples’ and smile at us, we will know it’s you!
Dad, before you left us, I always asked you not to leave us so soon, we wanted to hold your hands for a little longer, and we wanted to see your leg kicking a little, and your mouth moving with a smile...
We were strong going through this difficult period...
Sincere thanks to all of you who have been so supportive, your support had comforted our feelings.
On Sunday 24 Jan 2010, we went to the hospital and I cleaned dad's face, ears and cut his finger/toenails and cleaned his toes. My sister managed to record my son's singing Happy Birthday to Gung-Gung and played to dad for a few times through his ears.
I told dad, "Papa, I've cleaned you, my son sang birthday song to you, wasn't that lovely to hear?"
"Papa, please rest in peace, mom already forgiven you, we'll take care of ourselves. You don't have to worry about us at all, we'll be good and do good."
Then, we went home and I couldn't really sleep because both incidents where dad was admitted to ICU happened on a Sunday.
On Monday, 25 Jan 2010 - I went to work as usual, and Marcia called me out for lunch at 11am. I told her I can only go out at 12noon, as my team-mate wasn't around. So, she waited for me and she told me that she wanted to bring me to the temple for vegetarian food. The temple was located nearby my office, but we seldom to there, it's hot to walk there!
So, she drove and parked in front of the temple, and I told her, I wanted to pray before I eat, and Marcia walked to the vegetarian canteen with Ben & Samantha.
I prayed and I told Buddha, "My dad is at the ICU, and I wish to pray to lessen his pain and may he rest in peace. Pls don't let him suffer and I hope to be by his side during his last breath."
After prayers, I joined them for lunch. Marcia's car was being blocked by 2 other cars, so we waited in front of the temple for a while... my uncle called, he said that dad was having difficulty in breathing and doctor said that he would not last upto the evening.
I quickly called my sister and we wanted to go to the hospital after my sister finished her lunch. Marcia sent us back to the office, and while I was packing my stuff, my uncle called again and said, 'You papa just left us". I was so sad, that hit me on my face! I wanted badly to be by his side until his last breath, but I failed!
My uncle and my aunty were there holding his hands during his last breath. They told him that my mom had forgiven him, and they would take care of us (me & my sister) and my children (his grandchildren). The reading on the screen went down to ZERO after uncle and aunty said that to him, he heard them!
My colleague BH sent me to the hospital (big Thank you BH), and my uncles and aunty were there waiting for me. Uncle walked with me in the ICU, dad's body was being wrapped, only can see his motionless face and this time, without any tubes....
I cried and knee down... "Papa, you please rest in peace, I am sorry that I didn't do a good job as a daughter, pls forgive me. Mom has forgiven you, pls bless me and sister to be good daughters, and bless us with good opportunities so that we can give better life to mom and my children."
Then, our family had a quick discussion at the hospital and decided to have Buddhist way funeral for dad as he was practising Buddhist when he was alive.
HOW DOES IT FEEL WHEN I HAD TO SHOP FOR COFFIN AND FUNERAL SERVICES?
My uncle went to the Funeral shop (or do we call it coffin shop) and we made some purchases on the services and chosen a coffin for dad. Also, bought a set of business suit for dad to wear for the very last time.
Dad's body was being placed at Kwong Tung Association Funeral Parlour, lot "L". L = LOVE :)
Dad was being placed at a funeral parlour and my uncles and aunty were very supportive bring monks and lamas to chant.
During these few days at the funeral parlour, we had to buy breakfast, lunch and dinner for dad. We were practising vegetarian meal for dad, as we wanted him to gain some good karma eventhough he was gone.
On the 2nd day - early morning, I got up at 6am, and I took bath. I can't switch on the lights in the living room as my kids were sleeping. As there were so many items to buy, I wanted to write them down in a piece of paper. In the dark, with little bit of bathroom's lights, I was peeping at the stack of newspapers. I saw a piece of white paper, in between, so I took it and unfolded it so I could write. The white piece of paper was a recycle paper, so it was folded. Believe it or not, when I opened up the paper, there was a writing of a big "L" on that piece of paper, written by my son earlier, but of course this type of mysterious situation, we wouldn't know when it was being written.
Miracle and somehow looked like fated. I had a shocked but I was thinking, good to have coincidence sometimes.
I managed get dad's phone and called dad's friends and most of them came and paid the last respect to dad. I didn't know that dad had so many good friends, and I am glad, that indeed, dad was a great person to many of us.
I had support from family, colleagues and friends, emotionally and financially too! That helped on the funeral expenses.
On the 3rd day, we were there and they were about to close the coffin. We paid last respect and looked at dad for the very last time. We put flowers in the coffin... I cried for a while, I can't imagine a person like that, had to be burnt soon...
We were at the crematorium and dad's coffin was being burnt (I didn't see the process, I would have heartache).
We went to collect the ashes the next day morning, we had to pick some bones and placed in the urn and the balance we went to Port Klang river to spread on to the sea.
"Papa, there you go... may you rest in peace, don't worry about us, we will be fine and we know you will be fine too :) We will miss you, but don't forget, if you are at Buddha's world, do help others and bless us too!"
My message to all of you is THANK YOU for your support and let’s treasure the people around us. To me, Life is NOT short, Life is just unpredictable, so let’s appreciate what we have, don’t complain too much and be positive.
First thing that landed on our brain when we talk about old people = wrinkles, wisdom, worries hahaha :D
STAY HEALTHY
HAPPINESS IS IN YOUR OWN HANDS
"RETIREMENT is an opportunity for everyone to pause their steps and smell the roses"
